Breakthrough

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The last two days have seen a mental health breakthrough for me, and I couldn’t be happier.
After putting so much time and focus into strengthening my friendships, making sure I afford them the time and attention that my friends deserved, asking the right questions etc., and even building one of those friendships up into a (joint-) best friend position, it’s given me the emotional security and stability, and the advice/support network that I’ve been sorely in need of.
As a ‘Type 9’ personality (enneagram personality types), my relationships with people are what provide my sense of personal worth and self-esteem, and naturally the breakdown of my relationship with somebody who destroyed my soul, and the impact that had on my relationships with others, led to me feeling lost and alone.
However, having worked on my friendships I am now feeling more secure, supported, and importantly, independent and free than I had done in a very long time.
This feeling of security has now allowed me to start rediscovering my sense of self and to enjoy all the things that used to excite me, and to put time and energy into my own side projects.
I was always passionate about technology, science and learning, but lost that part of myself and couldn’t find joy in those subjects during the relationship and the time since then. My focus and motivation were shot.

That is no longer the case and I’ve been able to spend the last two evenings getting lost in subjects I enjoy. I now have the motivation to jump back into the side project I started a long time ago.

It is refreshing and freeing and makes me think that the fog of depression may finally have been shaken off. I’m aware that I will likely still have wobbles. I’ll still have bad days where things feel incredibly dark, but I firmly believe that, on the whole now, this is the point where I reclaim myself and my life.

That’s not to say that the only thing that helped was strengthening my support network. While that was vital, the other key points that have helped me get to this point were a regular exercise routine (ensuring I went to the gym at least 3-4 times each week, as well as long walks and playing squash each week), strong re-programming and an awareness of my thoughts and anxieties that were not helpful and were always speculative. The thoughts that just brought me down or made me worry for no reason. I learned to identify when those were occurring, and worked hard to remind myself that while I had to acknowledge those thoughts were there, I didn’t have to pay them any mind and could just ignore them.
The final step was to block all communication (except email) from my manipulative, selfish, narcissistic ex.

Subtle Suicidal

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I don’t know how to succinctly describe my relationship with suicidal thoughts and feelings. “Subtle” seems a good fit. Or “passive”.
I don’t lie on my bed listening to music thinking how I should go and end it all immediately.
I do, however, lie there thinking how I could happily just die. How dying would be such a relief. I think about the fact I have no real desire to continue living, to keep feeling the despairingly low lows that I experience fairly frequently.
I think about how I could happily go driving a little too fast along the country lanes and just crash. About how easy it could be, how I’d have one last bit of real fun doing that, and how I then wouldn’t have to feel hopelessness and bleak nothingness and emptiness any longer. I wouldn’t have to pretend to everybody that really I’m okay, just struggling to focus a bit and with a lot on my mind. I wouldn’t have to keep it secret that I think about dying with scary frequency. It wouldn’t matter that several times a week I think about how sweet death would be, because I wouldn’t have to think at all any more.

But I don’t plan for it, and ultimately I don’t go out and try to crash my car. I’ve gone driving faster than is sensible, but mostly to feel alive again. To feel something like joy, just for a few small moments. More importantly, it’s a feeling of joy I control, that I create. Not a feeling of joy that comes by way of validation from another person, by attention or a connection with a friend.

Purpose

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This blog will be thrown together as-and-when I have something to write about, or when I experience feelings I need to articulate and get off my mind.

There is no great plan, other than to see how writing works as a tool for self-help and the regulation of my emotions. If others can read this blog and gain some insight and understanding of their own struggles, or the struggles of somebody close to them, or even if my writing just helps to raise awareness around mental health issues in high-functioning persons, I would be glad.

At first glance I would be considered high-functioning: I have a fulfilling job at a good company, where I have been for many years and where I am respected and (as far as I can tell) well-liked.
I am active, healthy, approachable and cheerful (on the outside), and maintain close friendships and relationships.

However, I have always struggled, and in the past, been crippled by various mental health issues, ranging from depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and what I suspect are a number of other personality disorders/undiagnosed mental health issues most likely caused by childhood trauma, abandonment and instability.

More recently I left an emotionally abusive relationship that caused me to forget who I was and change so much of myself, all to please somebody who had managed to convince me that everything they didn’t like about me was not just a difference in needs and personality types, but an inherent flaw in my character. The fact that they didn’t have any friends and disliked almost everybody they knew threw red flags, but for reasons I still can’t fathom I ignored those flags.
I eventually stumbled upon some reddit posts that opened my eyes to what had been happening to me, and what I had been subjected to, that I gained enough strength and confidence to leave the relationship.

However, I still struggle with the self-doubt and low self-esteem that were caused by the emotional abuse. I struggle to trust my judgement when it comes to reading people and their intentions, I don’t know whether my needs or responses to situations are normal parts of me and who I am, or whether they really are character flaws that I should try to improve and work on.

Hopefully somebody will read my posts and gain something from them. If not, I hope it will at least be therapeutic for me.